Skip to main content

Powered by the Hopeful Lie

I finally get it. It took me a long time to get here, and nothing made sense along the way. Something was missing, something wasn't right. Something didn't fit. A piece of the puzzle, something that could show me the full picture. And I think I found it, eureka! It's so simple. Yet, it makes so much sense, and explains so much. It's just obvious: I'm dead.

Ok, I don't believe I actually died, or this is a post mortem simulation kind of reality. Although, probability speaking, there is an actual chance that I really died, and this is what afterlife is. But that chance is probably small - and truly I don't think this is the case here. I also don't believe in life after death - so far I've never seen anything that convinced me it exists. No, no.  The death I'm talking about here is a  metaphorical one. 

The truth is that something died in me, and this happened in the last year or so. I will, at some point,  get into the some deep analysis on whether I was killed, I died of natural causes or if this was self inflicted - maybe this will turn into the plot of my new book? For now, I am very sure I am not alive anymore. And I am also neither in heaven, nor in hell. I'm somewhere in the middle. I don't know or understand religion enough to discuss this in detail, but maybe this is what people call purgatory? It's not horrible, but it's also not great. It's just meh. Goes through the motions. To make an analogy someone alive would understand, I wouldn't be living. I would be existing.

So yes, I realised what is going on. Where I am, and why I am feeling like I do. But I still have zero clue of how did I get here. And until I can figure out this part, I don't think I stand a chance to resurrect or reincarnate. There's also the option of not going back entirely, and ending up in hell. Or in heaven. But I think it's unlikely. There's still life in me to be lived. I have unfinished business in the world.

I have a plethora of questions to answer, and I will try. Probably I won't be able to, at least all of them, but I will try. This is the beginning of me trying. I need to, my survival depends on it. For now though, I just want to enjoy the sun and finish this cup of coffee, whilst looking at the sea. It feels nice.

Being dead mostly sucks. But sometimes, it has its moments. 


Driving Sideways - Aimee Mann

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Too deep for such a simple man

This text was written about 3 months ago, but I did not publish it then. I was extremely overwhelmed at the time. So much so that, in the following days after I wrote it, I had a massive breakdown, which prompted me to get away from everything, including the blog. I am in a much better place now, and the next entry after this one will explore that. But before discussing how I feel now, I think there is a value in this text, which is why I decided to publish it even after all the time that passed. Please be mindful of my mental state when it was written, therefore be aware that this text is very raw and might be triggering. How did I end up back here again? This is a question I’ve been asking myself often these days. I thought I made huge progress, but somehow I am back at square one. I always heard people saying that things don’t just fall on your lap, that if you want something, you have to get off your arse and do something about it. The thing is, I did! I have done a lot about it, a...
Post a Comment
Read more

Maybe, this time, I'll be yours, you'll be mine

Soooo... I have a new crush at the gym. And sometimes I think that is reciprocated, and  I think we may be flirting with each other. Huge emphasis on "think". Yes reader, I can hear you screaming, all the way from the other side of your screen: "What the fuck is wrong with you?!? Haven't you learned anything from the whole situation with the boy from the bus stop???" That very same bus stop boy who, by the way, I see basically twice a week, either at the gym or at the bus stop (surprise, surprise!), and who pretends never to have ever met me. I think we should come up with a new word to describe it, because "ignore" is not strong enough to explain his level of indifference. But I digress - although time time, I'm gonna circle back to this, because it matters. New crush is waaaay out of my league - again: surprise, surprise! I think he's into guys, and I think he knows I am into him. After all, surprise, surprise #3, I'm neither renowned for...
Post a Comment
Read more

The bar and its rise to the heights

Bus stop at Brighton Marina. 7:50AM. Arriving with a cup of coffee in hand. The following conversation happens entirely inside the head. Oh look, the cute guy is coming! I have such a crush on him… I wonder why he gets the 7:55 only sometimes. I have to get the same bus at the same time every day, but I don’t see him often at this time. Sometimes he takes the seven instead. He must work at 8:30, like me. I would love to take the 7, so many buses come and go, and the 1X takes so long, 15 minutes apart. But the 7 takes too long for me, wouldn’t work. I’d be late. That mustache suits him so well. I wish I looked good with a mustache. Everybody looks good with a mustache, except for me. His eyes are also beautiful. I should look at him and smile, to show him that I am interested. Yes, I think that’s a good idea. But I have to be discreet and flirty at the same time, in case he’s not into guys. How can I produce that kind of smile? Well let’s try to be natural and see what happens. 7:52AM. ...
Post a Comment
Read more