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I finally get it. It took me a long time to get here, and nothing made sense along the way. Something was missing, something wasn't right. Something didn't fit. A piece of the puzzle, something that could show me the full picture. And I think I found it, eureka! It's so simple. Yet, it makes so much sense, and explains so much. It's just obvious: I'm dead.

Ok, I don't believe I actually died, or this is a post mortem simulation kind of reality. Although, probability speaking, there is an actual chance that I really died, and this is what afterlife is. But that chance is probably small - and truly I don't think this is the case here. I also don't believe in life after death - so far I've never seen anything that convinced me it exists. No, no.  The death I'm talking about here is a  metaphorical one. 

The truth is that something died in me, and this happened in the last year or so. I will, at some point,  get into the some deep analysis on whether I was killed, I died of natural causes or if this was self inflicted - maybe this will turn into the plot of my new book? For now, I am very sure I am not alive anymore. And I am also neither in heaven, nor in hell. I'm somewhere in the middle. I don't know or understand religion enough to discuss this in detail, but maybe this is what people call purgatory? It's not horrible, but it's also not great. It's just meh. Goes through the motions. To make an analogy someone alive would understand, I wouldn't be living. I would be existing.

So yes, I realised what is going on. Where I am, and why I am feeling like I do. But I still have zero clue of how did I get here. And until I can figure out this part, I don't think I stand a chance to resurrect or reincarnate. There's also the option of not going back entirely, and ending up in hell. Or in heaven. But I think it's unlikely. There's still life in me to be lived. I have unfinished business in the world.

I have a plethora of questions to answer, and I will try. Probably I won't be able to, at least all of them, but I will try. This is the beginning of me trying. I need to, my survival depends on it. For now though, I just want to enjoy the sun and finish this cup of coffee, whilst looking at the sea. It feels nice.

Being dead mostly sucks. But sometimes, it has its moments. 


Driving Sideways - Aimee Mann

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