Looking sideways

The thing about poison is that, no matters how healthy one is, there will be some damage. The extent of the damage, in this case, is mostly related to the poison itself, although the health of the subject might play a role. Some poison will kill, some will leave irreparable damage, and some will make one feel very sick, but once it's gone, things are back to normal, maybe even better than before. I cannot say for sure, but I am confident that you are the third kind. For months I tried to understand what was happening to me, and how could this be happening to me. I was healthy. I made calculated decisions. But, and maybe most importantly, I was sure that I was not the problem. Despite all that, I felt incredibly sick. I felt like I was being slowly killed, and at points I thought life was not worth living anymore, if it meant feeling that amount of awful, for that amount of time. I looked at myself, I tried to understand why I was failing, why I was letting myself slowly die. I felt...

It's time to say goodbye to the vast majority of you. Not all, as I hope to keep in touch with some people. But I am sure I will probably not see or hear from most of you ever again - well, maybe by coincidence in the street, after all Brighton is a small town. And you know what? I am ok with never seeing each other again. I don't actively dislike these people, we just have nothing in common other than this place. And when this place is no more for me, our only connection will be gone. It's been an interesting year, where I learned a lot about something completely new to me, for which I had no previous interest. I wouldn't say that my interest is higher now, but I am happy with the knowledge and experience I have. It will be useful to me at some point in the future - even if it's to make small talk with someone. But I also learned a lot about myself. And that's the point that will make all the difference. So I am grateful, even though I haven't been happy he...

I feel like a cheater - which is quite an unusual feeling for me, since I never really cheated on any partner, and I am currently in an open relationship, where cheating is not really a thing. But this has nothing to do with a partner, at least not in the strict sense of it. I feel like I am cheating on my feelings. More specifically, I am cheating on my sadness. I guess that's good news, but I still have this guilt haunting me. Maybe it's not guilt. Walk with me. About two month ago I was in one of the lowest points of my recent life. I was feeling so down and lost that I didn't even care about whether I would wake up every day. I felt like it would make no difference to me if I lived or died, if one day I went to sleep and never woke up again. Which is a very selfish position, and I fully appreciate this. Those around me, who shower me with unconditional love and support, especially in times like this, they have nothing to do with how I feel, and I like to believe they wo...