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This world could be so hard to take

I feel like a cheater - which is quite an unusual feeling for me, since I never really cheated on any partner, and I am currently in an open relationship, where cheating is not really a thing. But this has nothing to do with a partner, at least not in the strict sense of it. I feel like I am cheating on my feelings. More specifically, I am cheating on my sadness. I guess that's good news, but I still have this guilt haunting me. Maybe it's not guilt. Walk with me.

About two month ago I was in one of the lowest points of my recent life. I was feeling so down and lost that I didn't even care about whether I would wake up every day. I felt like it would make no difference to me if I lived or died, if one day I went to sleep and never woke up again. Which is a very selfish position, and I fully appreciate this. Those around me, who shower me with unconditional love and support, especially in times like this, they have nothing to do with how I feel, and I like to believe they would miss me if I was suddenly gone. But I digress. And yes, I know I digress a lot.

My point is that now I am happy. And that scares me. I have a good idea to where the happiness is coming from, but this feels like it went from zero to a hundred very quickly. Quicker than it should be. Quicker than it's sustainable, for the long run. And I want the happiness to stay. Yeah, I know it won't stay forever, but I'm ok with it coming and going, as long as the happy moments happen more often than the sad ones, and on average I am a happy person. I'll settle for average. I've been at all sides of this - big peaks of happiness and huge valleys of sadness, feeling sad all the time, average sad and average happy. And the latter is definitely the best one of them all. Absolutely no doubt here.

Sure, my happiness depends heavily on external factors - the people I love being around me, better weather, job, finances... and all these things can change at any time. Well, maybe not the people I love, I hope. But things can change in a second, and I don't want to go back to being lifeless. I don't want to die again. I don't think I have pulled a JC and fully resurrected, but I feel more alive now than I did when I started writing. And here is where the cheating comes in.

Writing is one of my most effective coping mechanisms. It's where I organise my ideas, where I put my feelings in front of me and look at them from a different, external, pragmatic perspective. It works for me, because I am a very pragmatic person. And I don't deal well when emotions take over me. And, in general, the better I am feeling, the less I write about these feelings. Right now, I don't feel the need to write so much anymore.

Maybe I am feeling like I am cheating at the blog because I am afraid to be letting go too early. That I am not yet well equipped to deal with everything, if it comes back. Maybe I am terrified that this bout of brightness is as fleeting as the longer summer days. Soon it will be cold and dark again. Literally, but hopefully not metaphorically.


On the Horizon - Mel C

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