Soooo... I have a new crush at the gym. And sometimes I think that is reciprocated, and I think we may be flirting with each other. Huge emphasis on "think". Yes reader, I can hear you screaming, all the way from the other side of your screen: "What the fuck is wrong with you?!? Haven't you learned anything from the whole situation with the boy from the bus stop???" That very same bus stop boy who, by the way, I see basically twice a week, either at the gym or at the bus stop (surprise, surprise!), and who pretends never to have ever met me. I think we should come up with a new word to describe it, because "ignore" is not strong enough to explain his level of indifference. But I digress - although time time, I'm gonna circle back to this, because it matters.
New crush is waaaay out of my league - again: surprise, surprise! I think he's into guys, and I think he knows I am into him. After all, surprise, surprise #3, I'm neither renowned for being subtle nor for being a poker face kind of person. Not to mention that, in my mind, it's obvious that I am drooling over him and everyone in the gym, not only him, can notice it. But hey, I don't tend to care about what other people think about me - to an extent - so this bit doesn't bother me much. Fact is, when I see him at the gym, I try to smile in a charming way. Which in reality probably translates into a disturbing and maybe threatening look. Or the face of someone who's trying to hold a fart. I'm sure you can picture it.
This guy, on the other hand, he's handsome and charming. He looks well built: muscles everywhere, giving that vibe that he's the kind of person who goes to the gym on weekends. I feel compelled to mention that I saw him shirtless in the changing room and he's got a bit of a belly. I do have the urge to write "ka-ching!" right now, like that sound of a cash register, but maybe describing me looking at him undressing is probably creepy enough already?
Despite all his charm, he's not hairy, he's not tall, not chubby not old, no facial hair, no androgyny... These are (some of) the things that normally get my (initial) attention. Some of the things that would make my head turn, in that first moment, before I get to know someone. But only some of the things, because there are others. Many others, actually. I need to pause here to clarify that I don't really have a type, I am very much open to any type or person, as long as we get along well. Even if they have nothing which attracts me, getting along makes them attractive. In his case, I know nothing about him, about his personality, what he likes and dislikes, and whether we would get along. The physical is not totally there, and the emotional doesn't exist yet. For that reason, I don't know if I can pinpoint what made me set my eyes on him. I suppose he's got something of a white English boy in his 30s air about him, which I find extremely attractive in general. But the truth is that it doesn't really make sense right now, especially considering that are many other guys in the gym who fit the brief. I have a theory though - more on that later.
Sometimes I think he might be into me as well, but that thought gets quickly inundated with a loud voice in my head screaming "look at you and look at him! THAT guy would never be into you!" - this is, in fact, a verbatim reproduction of one of the dialogues. These dialogues happened many, many times before. So many that I lost count at this point. Bus stop boy was not even the most recent case, for you to have an idea. And here is where my pragmatic mind kicks in with a crucial question: Why say hi to him? What would I get out of it? And maybe most importantly, would I have more to lose than to gain from it?
Because right now he doesn't know me. He has seen how I look, and maybe he could be into some of my physical features. Now IF he is interested, his brain, like most human brains, is filling the gaps with the rest of the story, the bits he doesn't know yet. And brains have a tendency of making things look better in others, whilst making ourselves look worse. Trust me, I speak from experience. If that's the case, if he likes me, he might be building this picture in his head that I am clever, interesting, funny, a good kisser, that I have a beautiful dick, or whatever are the things that he finds attractive... The possibilities here are endless. Then he will meet me in person, get to know me and realise that, best case scenario, only some of those things are true. Because reality is always more boring than dreams.
Sometimes I wonder if this is what happened to bus stop boy. Our first chat was nice, and then it went downhill from there. I wonder if he got to know me and thought to himself "Is that all? That's a bit meh. I was expecting more...". That, or he found this blog, read what I wrote about him, and got creeped out by my stalker vibes. It's a real possibility, I tell you. To be fair, I should add that I don't really care about him, bus stop boy. Contradictory, I know, especially since I mentioned him 57 times already in this text alone, but he's just a tool here. To illustrate the point I am trying to make. I makes no difference whatsoever in my life that he doesn't acknowledge me. It turns out, once I met him, I found him dull. My dreams about him were much more interesting than him in real life. Yes, I would still very much get naked with him tomorrow if he'd be into it. But building something, a friendship, probably not. I am very open though, so never say never I guess.
Back to new gym crush - and I am seriously considering the acronyms BSB and NGC - it's worth mentioning that there might be other things that don't have necessarily anything to do with me, things that would prevent him from being interested. Maybe he's straight? I doubt it, but statistically speaking it is a possibility to be considered. Maybe he has a partner and they are in a closed relationship? Maybe he is looking for more than a friendship which involves intimacy, maybe he wants someone to date, to become his boyfriend? There are so many possibilities to why this may amount to nothing. There is also the very real chance that history repeats itself, and just like with BSB (I've done it, not sorry), when I get to know NGC I will find him a bit blah. That, after we talk for a bit, I'd get bored of him, and we never even get to the kiss and get naked together bit? I find this less likely, but again, statistically speaking, we have to consider.
A question remains: if he's someone who wouldn't usually make my head turn, why did it turn? Why him, and not guys in the gym that are much more towards "my type"? I promised to get back to this, and here's my theory: my teenage self (if you don't know what I'm talking about, catch up here). My teenage self, aka MTS (someone stop me!) might be at it again, defying me to prove to him that I can get myself a jock. Or that I need to get myself a jock. Somewhere deep inside my brain, there is some kind of insecurity inside of me manifesting itself in this longing to achieve a "hot guy". The validation that comes that someone so hot and so desired by many chose me, the chubby ugly kid who never got to live his dreams. Maybe this comes from going back to the gym, and I am clearly one of the fattest, oldest and most fem guys there? Maybe this insecurity stems from feeling intimidated by the microcosmos of bodies and beauty inside that place? Which, let me clarify, I know very well is a small and isolated group, a group that in no way reflects reality of life. My pragmatic mind tells me that getting the hot guy won't prove anything, but my subconscious wants me to believe that validation will come from a guy with big, muscled arms. Only this one doesn't have any freckles - at least not where I could see so far. And I've seen a fair bit...
Ok then... Where do we go from here? Probably, nowhere. At least not right now. In the last few days I have been thinking about ways I could say hi. Believe it or not, I held the door to him the other day, when we were entering the gym at the same time. Might have been the perfect opportunity to interact, but obviously that only occurred to me once I was home, hours later. Since then, I'm trying to get ahead of the game, to come up with a plan. I am considering, for example, leaving a note on his locker, something as simple as just the word "hey!" with no name, no phone number. Just hey. I'm considering asking a gym jock friend for advice. I'm considering just coming up to him and striking a conversation about an exercise that I would be fake interested in - maybe I could tell him that "I have a feeling you know what you're doing" and hope he gets the double entendre. I am also considering asking ChatGPT for advice. Desperate times!
I don't know if I will ever do something. Actually, scratch that. Here's what's likely to happen, big spoiler alert: I'll plan, plan, plan, take multiple things into consideration, come up with a fool proof idea, rehearse... And then I'll go rogue and fuck it up. And I'll be here a few weeks later writing about how I fucked it up. Because if there's one thing about history, is that it has this annoying habit of repeating itself.
Summerboy - Lady Gaga
Editor's note:
I considered using Something Stupid, from Sinatra, for the soundtrack of this post. I wouldn't say "I love you", but the vibe is similar. But Summerboy felt like it was made for this. Also, on a different note, Yogi and I were getting the bus together one morning, on our way to work, like we always do, and I saw NGC walking down the street. I showed him to Yogi, and the answer I got form Yogi was: "you, that guy?" He didn't actually say LOL, but the smirk did the job 😅
Comments
Post a Comment