Skip to main content

E o que você vai ser, quando você crescer?

As I was laying down between those big, beautiful muscled arms dotted with freckles, I thought about my teenage self. I thought about how he was completely lost with his sexuality, how he knew deep down that he liked boys, but he felt trapped in a world where he had to like girls. How he forced himself to try to be something he wasn’t. On top of all that, I remembered how he was a chubby, awkward person, with so much acne that his face resembled a cheese grater. How he was secretly in love with the jocks from his school, and how he was absolutely sure they would never look at him. Because he thought of himself as unattractive, but also showing his interest would mean, in his mind, that he would be bullied and made fun of. I wanted to swap places with him, to put him inside the big arms of this very handsome, but most importantly, extremely nice, kind and lovely boy who was hugging me. I wanted to show the teenager that he also deserved love and care, and that there are people who would like him just the way he was. 

That teenager self still lives inside of me. He’s the one who shows up when I see a cute boy, to tell me that this cute boy will never look at me. That I should be realistic with myself and stop creating dreams that will never become reality. That I should resign myself to whoever wants me, even if I don’t want them, because that’s all I can really get. Life keeps proving him wrong, but he keeps coming back for more. And despite how loud and negative his voice can be, I appreciate that he’s still around. He helps to keep me grounded. I also like when I have a chance to tell him to shut up, because against facts, there are no arguments.

Sometimes he’s louder than normal though, and I end up falling for his tricks. As a consequence, I start to desperately look for validation in multiple places, prioritising quantity over quality. These times, it can be easy to forget about all that I have, all that I conquered, how far I’ve come. It can be equally easy to let the opinion of a complete stranger rip off a piece of my confidence. The same confidence which took me years to build. Because it’s that teenager’s brain who is doing the thinking, and we all know how confused the brain of a teenager is. 

I have recently gone into one of those stupid quests, and once again I lost a piece of my hard earned confidence in the process. I let strangers tell me that I am not good enough, despite not knowing me and not giving me a chance to show them who I really am. I let someone judge me based on a five minute interaction in one of the most awkward places imaginable. I let someone make me think that I’ve done something wrong, because they couldn’t be bothered to message me. I let someone make me feel like I was being too much when they clearly showed no interest in me, but I tried to build a friendship anyway. I felt bad for being a good person, and for a minute I felt like I wanted to be an asshole, because I had the stupid thought that assholes always get what they want. I know it’s not worth getting anything through that route, but for a moment I doubted my own values. That is almost unforgivable.

And then I had a lovely boy come over and hold me in his arms, kiss me and tell me how much he enjoyed my company. It might seem like I am taking my validation from him, and in a way this is not wrong. But it’s not just him. He was the one to show me something bigger. His cuddles reminded me that there are a lot of people who know me well, who have known me for a long time, and these people still like to be around me. These people still enjoy my company, still think I am nice, still think I am sexy, and still want to have me in their lives one way or another. Those arms and their care gave me the power to put the teenager back into his place, to be louder than him, and to tell him once again that he is wrong, once again. That I might not be good at first impressions, but it is worth sticking around and getting to know me better. That I can only get better with time. That I am worth betting on for the long term. 

I am sure that the teenager will come back again. He’ll scream at me again at some point. That’s as obvious as the fact that the sun will rise again tomorrow. I wish I could say that I am ready for him, that I will be able to refute his arguments with facts, that I will not let him get me down again, but that is not true. I will fall for his tricks again. And I think that’s ok. I accepted that this battle will happen until the day I take my last breath, it’s part of me. When it comes again, I will deal with it. I can only hope I will bounce back from it quickly, like I did this time. 


Pais e filhos - Legião Urbana

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Too deep for such a simple man

This text was written about 3 months ago, but I did not publish it then. I was extremely overwhelmed at the time. So much so that, in the following days after I wrote it, I had a massive breakdown, which prompted me to get away from everything, including the blog. I am in a much better place now, and the next entry after this one will explore that. But before discussing how I feel now, I think there is a value in this text, which is why I decided to publish it even after all the time that passed. Please be mindful of my mental state when it was written, therefore be aware that this text is very raw and might be triggering. How did I end up back here again? This is a question I’ve been asking myself often these days. I thought I made huge progress, but somehow I am back at square one. I always heard people saying that things don’t just fall on your lap, that if you want something, you have to get off your arse and do something about it. The thing is, I did! I have done a lot about it, a...
Post a Comment
Read more

I figured it made sense building me a fence

Do you know when you don’t see something at first, and then suddenly you do, and from that moment on you cannot unsee it anymore? I remember an episode of a sitcom where they showed this in a very effective way: the sound of a glass breaking. It’s the perfect metaphor, if you think about it. Once it’s broken, you can try to glue it back together, but it will never go back to what it once was, no matter what carglass tells you. Entropy one, advertising zero. It’s almost philosophical, if you think about it. And reassuring. Because physics and math are both very reassuring. But I digress. In the case of my specific glass, it was not a perfect piece beforehand. I saw cracks on it, but I chose to believe that the thing was strong enough to stay in one piece. You can call me naïve, but I prefer to see myself as a glass half full kind of person, who will always expect the best out of people. There are downsides to this approach, but I don’t want to digress again. One thing I can say is that,...
Post a Comment
Read more

The bar and its rise to the heights

Bus stop at Brighton Marina. 7:50AM. Arriving with a cup of coffee in hand. The following conversation happens entirely inside the head. Oh look, the cute guy is coming! I have such a crush on him… I wonder why he gets the 7:55 only sometimes. I have to get the same bus at the same time every day, but I don’t see him often at this time. Sometimes he takes the seven instead. He must work at 8:30, like me. I would love to take the 7, so many buses come and go, and the 1X takes so long, 15 minutes apart. But the 7 takes too long for me, wouldn’t work. I’d be late. That mustache suits him so well. I wish I looked good with a mustache. Everybody looks good with a mustache, except for me. His eyes are also beautiful. I should look at him and smile, to show him that I am interested. Yes, I think that’s a good idea. But I have to be discreet and flirty at the same time, in case he’s not into guys. How can I produce that kind of smile? Well let’s try to be natural and see what happens. 7:52AM. ...
Post a Comment
Read more