Aiming for full control

Just a quick update: I finally walked up to the guy at the bus stop and talked to him. We only chatted for a few minutes, and he was lovely. It's been half an hour since, and I'm still shaking.

G.U.Y. - Lady Gaga

(Artpop, who'd have thought...)

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Too deep for such a simple man

This text was written about 3 months ago, but I did not publish it then. I was extremely overwhelmed at the time. So much so that, in the following days after I wrote it, I had a massive breakdown, which prompted me to get away from everything, including the blog. I am in a much better place now, and the next entry after this one will explore that. But before discussing how I feel now, I think there is a value in this text, which is why I decided to publish it even after all the time that passed. Please be mindful of my mental state when it was written, therefore be aware that this text is very raw and might be triggering. How did I end up back here again? This is a question I’ve been asking myself often these days. I thought I made huge progress, but somehow I am back at square one. I always heard people saying that things don’t just fall on your lap, that if you want something, you have to get off your arse and do something about it. The thing is, I did! I have done a lot about it, a...

I figured it made sense building me a fence

Do you know when you don’t see something at first, and then suddenly you do, and from that moment on you cannot unsee it anymore? I remember an episode of a sitcom where they showed this in a very effective way: the sound of a glass breaking. It’s the perfect metaphor, if you think about it. Once it’s broken, you can try to glue it back together, but it will never go back to what it once was, no matter what carglass tells you. Entropy one, advertising zero. It’s almost philosophical, if you think about it. And reassuring. Because physics and math are both very reassuring. But I digress. In the case of my specific glass, it was not a perfect piece beforehand. I saw cracks on it, but I chose to believe that the thing was strong enough to stay in one piece. You can call me naïve, but I prefer to see myself as a glass half full kind of person, who will always expect the best out of people. There are downsides to this approach, but I don’t want to digress again. One thing I can say is that,...

The bar and its rise to the heights

Bus stop at Brighton Marina. 7:50AM. Arriving with a cup of coffee in hand. The following conversation happens entirely inside the head. Oh look, the cute guy is coming! I have such a crush on him… I wonder why he gets the 7:55 only sometimes. I have to get the same bus at the same time every day, but I don’t see him often at this time. Sometimes he takes the seven instead. He must work at 8:30, like me. I would love to take the 7, so many buses come and go, and the 1X takes so long, 15 minutes apart. But the 7 takes too long for me, wouldn’t work. I’d be late. That mustache suits him so well. I wish I looked good with a mustache. Everybody looks good with a mustache, except for me. His eyes are also beautiful. I should look at him and smile, to show him that I am interested. Yes, I think that’s a good idea. But I have to be discreet and flirty at the same time, in case he’s not into guys. How can I produce that kind of smile? Well let’s try to be natural and see what happens. 7:52AM. ...

Looking sideways

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