Looking sideways

Chapter three - Future: I’m far from perfect, and often unkind to myself. My self worth can be low, I usually feel like I’m a burden to others, I’m insecure, I obsess with bad stuff, and I find it really hard to be vulnerable. Besides, I’m a control freak, my pragmatism would scare most people, I plan stuff in advance and I can get easily overwhelmed with social situations. Meaning that I like my space, I'm not very spontaneous and I may take a while to reply. Despite all that, I have really high standards for the people I call my friends. And there’s a reason for that: I also have amazing qualities and, most importantly, I know my worth, and what I should expect from others, even if I don't get it from myself.  I’m supportive, caring and loyal. Once you become my friend, I’ll be there for you whenever you need me, and I’ll always be honest with you, even if that is not what you want to hear. I’ll never tell you something if I don’t really mean it, no matter how that makes me l...

Chapter two - Present: January is a strange month where I live. It’s a cold, dark, poor and uneventful period after the holidays, where people realise that their new year’s resolutions are unrealistic, they're desperate for payday and they just want to continue in auto mode until everything really starts kicking in. For me, there’s another layer: it’s my birthday month. And I haven’t enjoyed it for a long time. This year, for the first time since my late 20s, early 30s, things have been different... I used to love my birthdays back then. Recently, they just made me sad. I can't pinpoint why, but I can think of a few reasons, which are the topic for another day. January 2026 didn’t have any reason to be different. It started with my balls and nipples sore from three new piercings, my guts being unfriendly to basically anything I ate, my haemorrhoids choosing to make a comeback tour, and on top of all that, a week with that nasty cold everyone’s getting. Despite all that, it’s be...

Chapter one - Past: I’ve lost a bit of weight over the last months. I’ve been thinking a lot about how to write about it, an entirely new territory for me. I last embarked on a journey to lose weight 20+ years ago, for completely different reasons then. This time, for instance, I don’t feel about it like most people seem to. It’s an achievement for sure, and it’ll bring positive impacts to my life, but I don’t see it as something to be celebrated. Or deprecated. I don’t want to make a before/after where I’m better/ worse, and I definitely don’t want it to be about body shaming in any direction.  Things are changing because of choices I made, and choices have consequences. Over the summer my doctors told me that I’m prediabetic. Being overweight is not the only culprit here, there is a family history, but it has definitely contributed to it. Prediabetes was an addition to a mild NAFLD and sleep apnoea, both of which I had for a while, and probably the trigger for me to make some cha...