Looking sideways

It took me some time to comprehend, to be able to put it in words. I finally do, and I can finally say it: I am not well. Physical health is probably ok, although I am due a general check up. Money could always be better. No, I am talking about my mental health. Things are not ok with my mental health at the moment. And I think it's fair to share this with those around me. Awareness is important. And it's also important that my friends understand what I am going through, even though I am not sure I do. I have been posting less, taking longer to answer messages and sharing less stories. Things don't give me much pleasure right now, and a lot of times I just want to stay home quiet, watching The Nanny. In that world, I don't need to think about mine. It's comforting, even though I know I am running away. I also know it will catch up to me, and I am ok with this. At least for now. I have started writing again. Writing is my own way of therapy, it's how I organise m...

I thought about two ways of starting this, but none of them start from the beginning. So I will start from the beginning, and I will wedge the two other ways somewhere in the middle. The beginning is simply a simple question: how did I get here? The answer is a lot more complex than "by public transport", because first I need to understand the question. And the question is just the beginning. Bear with me, I'll explain. Imagine one of those software gone bad situations, where everything was working fine until it stopped. It's a bit like that, but not really. Because I truly believe that this was not something sudden, something that happened in one blow. This was a downhill slope, with an downwards incline angle so discreet that I didn't really notice I was heading this way until I was here. Looking back, I can see how far down I've come. But throughout the way it didn't really feel like it. Ultimately, the question is to try and find the point where the sl...

Fun fact: I never died before. So I don't know if this is just me, if it happens to everyone who dies: I cannot remember how it happened. I cannot remember what killed me, and I definitely cannot identify the moment everything went from being alive and well to being in this afterlife state. I have a feeling it was gradual, like something that was destroying me slowly, and not a single fatal (and surprising blow). But this is just a guess at the moment. I want to look into that with more depth and detail, and I will. But before I do, I think some disclaimers are needed. A few points that I need to say, to have peace with myself. I can't predict how this message will come across, and how people will receive it, but I can try my best to get it out in the way I intend it to. Firstly, this is not truth. I mean, things I express here are not necessarily the truth. They are simply the way I feel. This is my view, the way I see/saw, perceive/perceived facts that happened in my life. It...

I finally get it. It took me a long time to get here, and nothing made sense along the way. Something was missing, something wasn't right. Something didn't fit. A piece of the puzzle, something that could show me the full picture. And I think I found it, eureka! It's so simple. Yet, it makes so much sense, and explains so much. It's just obvious: I'm dead. Ok, I don't believe I actually died, or this is a post mortem simulation kind of reality. Although, probability speaking, there is an actual chance that I really died, and this is what afterlife is. But that chance is probably small - and truly I don't think this is the case here. I also don't believe in life after death - so far I've never seen anything that convinced me it exists. No, no.  The death I'm talking about here is a  metaphorical one.  The truth is that something died in me, and this happened in the last year or so. I will, at some point,  get into the some deep analysis on whethe...