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The one that could break my heart

I have discussed your absence multiple times, in different spaces, and I did not have any intention to reopen this can of worms again. Especially as I talked about this right here, a few posts back. But then I saw you. It was not a surprise, really. I knew you'd probably be there. But seeing you in person for the first time in almost a year affected me more than I thought it would. And I was way less prepared than I hoped to be.

The truth is, I really wish I stopped for longer, had a proper chat and a tighter hug. But I also know how much that would have hurt me, and how that short encounter was the right decision for me. It was probably less than 30 seconds, and that was already enough to completely wrack me for the rest of the day. It also reminded me that the wound is still very much open. At this point, I'm not even sure anymore that I can be healed. 

You look like you've been through a lot. I could see it in your eyes. They looked tired, they looked like life has been tough. I felt sad for you. I felt like hugging you again, telling you things will be ok, offering you my shoulder and my love. But I did this before, you politely thanked me, and I never heard form you again. I chose, at that moment back then, to forget everything that happened and offer you my heart, but you didn't take it. And my heart got broken, again. So I know better now. 

I know that I'm not someone you want in your life, and I have to be ok with this. It sucks, but I have to be ok with it. It's not my choice. And it sucks that it's not my choice. So, when you sighed and said a sad "I'm ok", I smiled, sair it was good to see you, and left. It was truly good to see you. But I know that if I stayed, I'd have offered you my heart again. I can't possibly know if you would accept it this time, but I know that I am not strong enough to deal with the fallout of you not accepting it.

Despite you being a ghost for me now, I think my heart still hopes you resurrect one day, even though my mind tells me that there's no such thing as life after death. One of them is right, but I don't know who. Maybe time will tell. Maybe I'll never know. For now, I hope you're really ok. I really do. I wish you all the best things in the world. I am also grateful to have met you, and to have called you my friend one day.


Break my heart - Dua Lipa

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