No, it's not going to stop

Ok, I admit: I have a tendency of overusing Aimee Mann in this blog. There is a reason for that, no doubt. Her songs are damn good in describing what I need to say. Get this, for example: I once met a lovely boy in Berlin. He was cute, we kissed, we swapped instagram. I'm pretty sure this was pre-pandemic, although a quick search on one of my blogs says it was 2022. Irrelevant. What is relevant is that, to this day, almost 2 years later, I keep trying to chat, start a friendship, see him when I go to Berlin or hope to see him when he comes to the UK. I think he's been to Brighton ever since. But he never reciprocated. For him, was just a kiss in a bear club, he moved on. I didn't.

There was another boy, at the same trip, whom I met for a very brief moment. Also kissed. He was waaaay out of my league - different sport, actually. I have been since trying and trying to build something more, to chat, to see him in Madrid. He was in London recently. Nothing. He does not give a fuck about me. Why should he? It was just a kiss.

Then there was this lovely couple in one of my flights. We never kissed - I wish, like for real. But no, they were coming back from holiday, exchanged contacts, not sure when was that? Probably after, although by now it should be clear that my perception of time is not very good. We NEVER managed to meet, EVER again. I tried multiple times, but there's always something. An excuse. A last minute change. A distance, a schedule incompatibility. And what I perceive as very little effort from their part. 

I could easily find 5 or 6 more examples off the top of my head. I'd say a pattern is emerging, but I think we are not even looking at 'emerging' at the rear mirror anymore, because it's so far behind we cannot even see it. The problem is me - and I don't say this in a passive-aggressive, or self-deprecating way. No, I am being very pragmatic here, it is a fact. And against facts there are no arguments.

Why this keeps happening? Well, putting it in simple terms, there was never anything there. We never built anything with each other. This is what is has always been: someone who they met once. I am not their friend, I am not their work colleague, I am not someone who goes to the same book club as them. I am a random stranger, a drink they tried on holiday but decided not to have at home. And that's ok. It should be ok. It feels bigger to me, because I wanted it to be bigger, and I made a big effort to make it bigger. But once you strip that, it is still nothing. 

So forgive me for citing Aimee Mann again, but it's not going to stop 'til I wise up. Because I keep doing the same thing, over and over again, expecting different results every time. Isn't there an internet quote about this being the definition of insanity? Probably attributed to Einstein, but I digress. The point is that Aimee is damn right again. It's like I learned nothing from Magnolia.

I won't cut contact with these people entirely, block them from my social media, no. I will just stop expecting anything more than what it is: liking their pictures, having an occasional wank thinking about them, and open a smile if I ever cross them on the street by chance. If they show interest in building something more at some point in the future, I would be open for that. But I won't make an effort anymore. Instead, I will focus my energy on those who are either already here, or those who are worth investing on. It shouldn't be hard to be better at identifying it.

As for Aimee, I need to start listening to some of the stuff she's done more recently. My taste for her songs stopped in the early 2000s, but I am pretty sure she keeps writing amazing songs. Songs which can express exactly how I feel.

Wise up - Aimee Mann