Looking sideways

Once upon a time, a new persona was born. His name was Bear Hinksch. Bear came from the recently accepted fact that I, his dad, am a bear - as a matter of fact, I had always been a bear, but the process of accepting that and being happy in my own fur was the very thing that originated this persona. Hinksch, his last name, was chosen in homage to my own last name, but also the name of his adoptive father. For his adoptive father was crucial to help me accept my fur, and since this is a metaphorical conception, his adoptive father can also be considered his metaphorical father. Even though I am the one who expected, carried, birthed and became attached to it. Bear was born and raised in Berlin. The city and its bears, symbolic and otherwise, were a big part of developing this person into what it would eventually become. He helped me learn that my beauty stemmed from what made me unique, and that the need to belong does not necessarily mean that I had to be like everyone else. He showed m...

I recently had an idea for a book - yes, another one. Mind you, at this point I have three book projects ongoing. One is written halfway through, but for some reason it is now taking a vacation from my mind, and I am not trying to force the story to come out. I am giving it space, letting it flow when it wants to flow. The second one is just an idea, which I have no idea how to make it reality. This one is definitely beyond my capabilities, and I am again not forcing it out. The third one is this new recent idea, and this will probably be the easiest one for one very simple reason: it is already written. Over the years, I have almost always kept a blog of my feelings, and now I have a large collection of texts showcasing those feelings, from different points in time in my life. I thought it would be a good idea to compile them into an anthology, if you will. I don't have a reason for doing it, but I think it will be interesting to see how my feelings have evolved (or not) throughou...

I am sorry for how it all went down. It has been a tough week, for many reasons, and I haven't handled things well. I jumped the gun, and I am pretty sure I fucked things up. Yes, sure, one cannot control how stuff like attraction go, but I think I should have waited. I should have given you a chance to get to know me better before I asked you to make a decision on me. I was too much, too soon, and that might have scared you away. I could adopt a posture where I say fuck you, it's your loss if you don't want me, but this is not about pointing fingers or assigning blame, it's about being accountable for the part I play. And accountability matters. Furthermore, this is also about breaking a pattern. I have a tendency of not giving people time, but in a somewhat different aspect. Whenever I let someone in, I give them all the points available from the get go. I know my standards, I know how I wouldn't have let them in, if they would not have been up to those standards....

I'm not a gambler. My decisions are normally based on calculated risks, to avoid, as much as I can, getting into a situation where things won't go the way I want them to. And there's a reason for that: I've been burned many, many times. So much so that even the thought of doing something risky brings up this whole load of PTSD. I know, nobody likes to lose, but my aversion to it is so strong that I am willing to pay the price. Because there is a price. The less you risk, the lower the payout will be. And I'm ok with a lower payout. I'm ok with lower gains, if that means lower chances of getting hurt. Because when I get hurt, it hurts deeply. I accepted this way of life - a life that's not very exciting, to have a job that's not very well paid, to do things that are generally boring. I'm ok with all of those because, ultimately, my level of happiness is almost a flat line, slightly above the average. I experienced peaks of happiness and valleys of sad...