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I thought it doesn't get better than this

I am sorry for how it all went down. It has been a tough week, for many reasons, and I haven't handled things well. I jumped the gun, and I am pretty sure I fucked things up. Yes, sure, one cannot control how stuff like attraction go, but I think I should have waited. I should have given you a chance to get to know me better before I asked you to make a decision on me. I was too much, too soon, and that might have scared you away. I could adopt a posture where I say fuck you, it's your loss if you don't want me, but this is not about pointing fingers or assigning blame, it's about being accountable for the part I play. And accountability matters. Furthermore, this is also about breaking a pattern.

I have a tendency of not giving people time, but in a somewhat different aspect. Whenever I let someone in, I give them all the points available from the get go. I know my standards, I know how I wouldn't have let them in, if they would not have been up to those standards. Ergo, they must be excellent. Here's the problem with that approach: I don't give people a chance to grow. By already giving them all the points available from start, they can only lose points from there. On top of that, due to my high standards, those points are really hard to recover. It happens, some people recover them sometimes, but it's not very often.

Now I can see how this patterns is repeating itself, almost as if infecting other aspects of the relationships I have with those around me. Specifically in this case, I assumed we would be an instant match - I still think we are a match. But I awarded you the title whilst I haven't considered that you need time to get there. You needed space to nurture and grow this, whatever this is supposed to be. I forced your hand, and once you told me that you are not there, I turned it off. I flicked the switch, and you lost your position and the points you didn't even have a chance to earn. Now, I only see you as a friend. 

And I need to only see you as a friend for now, for the sake of the sanity of my mind and my heart. I cannot keep you where I keep my other crushes, because I'll get hurt every time you are nice to me and I have to remind myself that this is platonic, one sided. I cannot keep hoping you will eventually feel something else either, in case you never do. Maybe you will, but I cannot and should not count on that. On the other hand, I should not discard this possibility entirely. 

First, it would be unfair to you to let my pride speak louder, and punish you for not being ready when I was. I'm also too old to play the "you had your chance, not sit down and cry" card.

Second, it would be unfair to Yogi. I don't know where the thing between you two is going, but he might want to have me involved eventually and you might agree at that point.

Third, and perhaps most importantly, it would be unfair to me. Unfair not to enjoy something because I'm afraid it might hurt me again.

It's also worth mentioning that you ever change your mind, I don't know if I'll be in the same place. It might be that, when it happens, I will genuinely have no more interest in you like that. I cannot predict how things will pan out. For now I closed this door, but it's not locked. And I invite you to knock, if you ever want to. If you do, we'll see how far I can let you in.

As for giving people all the points in one go, that's a bigger, deeper issue, one that will require a longer path to be walked. But I like to think that I'm taking some steps in the right direction.


South London Forever - Florence + The Machine

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