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These open doors

I'm not a gambler. My decisions are normally based on calculated risks, to avoid, as much as I can, getting into a situation where things won't go the way I want them to. And there's a reason for that: I've been burned many, many times. So much so that even the thought of doing something risky brings up this whole load of PTSD. I know, nobody likes to lose, but my aversion to it is so strong that I am willing to pay the price.

Because there is a price. The less you risk, the lower the payout will be. And I'm ok with a lower payout. I'm ok with lower gains, if that means lower chances of getting hurt. Because when I get hurt, it hurts deeply. I accepted this way of life - a life that's not very exciting, to have a job that's not very well paid, to do things that are generally boring. I'm ok with all of those because, ultimately, my level of happiness is almost a flat line, slightly above the average. I experienced peaks of happiness and valleys of sadness enough to know that those are not for me.

But sometimes a voice comes and tells me that there's a wonderful world out there, and I'm missing out. That I should push myself to do more things, go more out of my comfort zone, risk higher. The voice tells me that there's a real chance I'll win, and the payout will be worth it. So I do it. I give in to its seductive tone and its enticing prospects. And I have to be fair: I do win here and there. But overall, I lose most of the time. And when I put it all on the scale, I lose a lot more than I win. This week it happened again. Once again I risked hanging out at the VIP room - I didn't just stumble into it by mistake this time, I made a choice to go in, knowing very well that it's only a matter the time until I'm shown the door. 

And again, I'm left like the human equivalent of the inside of a roasted marshmallow. The cycle restarts - I retract into my normal, calculated risks, non gambling and boring life. With that, comes the other voice, the one that tells me 'I told you so!' and 'why do you still dare to dream?' But there's a third voice, one that comes to finish me off. One that insists in showing me that this is it. This is the truth, the normal. That I'm not worth it, and all the times I thought I was, it was just luck, it didn't really have anything to do with me. The voice that says 'I mean, look at you! Who in their right state of mind would like you?' This particular voice can be particularly loud.

I feel like I'm only losing. Most of the time, I'm losing for not taking chances. And when I take chances, I'm losing because it doesn't work out. I don't see any other options, which is maybe the reason why my heart and my soul feel so bad. I'm not used to not having a path, to not knowing what to do. I'm not used to being both helpless and in need of help. Both lost and at a loss.

I used to believe that it all works out in the end, and if it hasn't worked out yet, it's because I haven't reached the end yet. But the end seems to be getting closer and closer, and I don't see any signs of it working out. Maybe it never will. So maybe I should just accept my fate and stop expecting that things can ever be different. Won't make it better, but at last I'll know where I stand.


Why does my heart feel so bad? - Moby

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