Once upon a time, a new persona was born. His name was Bear Hinksch. Bear came from the recently accepted fact that I, his dad, am a bear - as a matter of fact, I had always been a bear, but the process of accepting that and being happy in my own fur was the very thing that originated this persona. Hinksch, his last name, was chosen in homage to my own last name, but also the name of his adoptive father. For his adoptive father was crucial to help me accept my fur, and since this is a metaphorical conception, his adoptive father can also be considered his metaphorical father. Even though I am the one who expected, carried, birthed and became attached to it.
Bear was born and raised in Berlin. The city and its bears, symbolic and otherwise, were a big part of developing this person into what it would eventually become. He helped me learn that my beauty stemmed from what made me unique, and that the need to belong does not necessarily mean that I had to be like everyone else. He showed me that it is ok to be big, it is ok to be hairy, it is ok to be loud, and it is ok to be bold. The city told him that he would never walk alone (even though it was not a football chant), and he repeated the message to me, as long as I stayed true to who I really was. That for every person who would look at me with disgust, there would be countless more who would look at me with love and kindness, and these were the ones who really mattered.
When we moved to Brighton, Bear was still young, and the city by the sea played an important role in maturing him, polishing his abilities, skills and ideas. Bear became even bigger, bolder, louder, so much so that I started to disappear behind his shadow. That was not an issue, at least initially, because I had always been a quiet guy, and quite insecure. Bear made me feel safe. After all, Bear always got the yes. Bear made life look like it was in the bag. I would still manifest when we were alone, stranded in a hotel in the middle of nowhere, even if nowhere was the busiest and most exciting city on the planet. I was happy to be just me when there was nobody to see me. For all the other situations, I let Bear take over, take the wheel and take us wherever he would like to.
During the pandemic, I was forced to keep him in a cage, because for most of the time it was just me and his other father, to whom I never had to and never will need to be anyone else. His father is the only person in this existence with which I feel entirely comfortable to be just me, and that’s the reason we’re in this for life. But I digress. To get back to the point, I learned at this time to tame Bear, to control him, to make him appear when I needed to, and to put him back in his cage when he was not needed anymore. I learned to turn him on and off. I seemed to have found the sweet spot. What could go wrong?
Overconfidence is something that showed me again and again that I know nothing. That I am always one move away from making a big mistake, that can change the whole game. I am terrified of it, and yet I am sometimes falling prey to its tricks. With Bear, it was not different. I told myself I was not saying goodbye to Bear Hinksch, but I was putting him in a secondary position - I used these exact words, if you doubt me, you can read it here: https://beinghinksch.blogspot.com/2024/01/curls.html. And although I promised not to say goodbye to him, I effectively killed him, because I thought I did not need him anymore. I thought he rubbed his qualities on me, I learned his tricks and I could do this on my own. I was so blind by overconfidence that I didn't even realise he was the one who actually died, and his mourning was the one I couldn’t get to terms with.
Many things happened to me in the last year or so, and now I see how detrimental his death was to my life. How much I needed him to save me again. That, had he been there, I would have handled it better. On the other hand, the killer instinct was always there, so if I hadn’t murdered him when I did, it would still happen. And maybe my overconfidence would grow bigger, leading my fall to be higher and more damaging. I don’t know what could have happened, but I know what did. Bear Hinksch is dead, and I miss him. He was good to me, sadly I had to kill him to realise that. And trust me when I say this: I am still paying for this crime. Because nothing comes for free, everything has a price. My bill is here, and it’s an expensive one.
I don’t believe in any kind of god. In fact, I am probably one of the most atheist, sceptical people you’ll find. I don’t believe in souls, ghosts, life after death or the supernatural. Everything has an explanation, and if you can’t explain it, it’s either because you don’t have all the facts, or you don’t know enough about it to explain. It’s funny cause I have been proven wrong multiple times, but my pragmatic brain insists that there must be an explanation somewhere anyway. For that reason, in the real world, Bear Hinksch would be just a memory. Luckily for me, the heart and the mind are much more complex than the real world. Metaphorically, everything is possible.
Bear Hinksch is still here, he never left. He died, but his spirit comes to visit sometimes. In the beginning, I was amazed and overwhelmed with joy, and I couldn’t really work it out. I couldn’t summon him either, he would just appear and possess me when he felt like I needed an intervention. He’s always been a good observer, and he knows me almost as well as his other father. But then, in the last couple of weeks, there were a couple of instances where I was able to call him on demand, let him take over my body, but instead of going into a trance, I was in control. I knew how much I could give him, and how much I had to keep to myself. I knew where he started and where I ended. But, crucially, I knew when was time to say goodbye to him, and how to let him go gently.
Of course, there are still times where it doesn’t work. Sometimes I call and he doesn’t come. Sometimes, he comes in too hard, and I lose control. But we are slowly learning how to coexist. I know now that I cannot do this on my own, and I know that I have someone to call when I need the extra help. I don’t know if his ghost will stay with me forever, but this is not something for me to think about, at least not now. Now, I need to focus on building this new relationship with him. So far, it is going well.
On a final note, having Bear Hinksch as a ghost leaves me more time and attention to nurture my other personas. To pay attention to the other sides of my life, which have been neglected this whole time. But it also gives me the opportunity to look at me, discover me, understand me, and maybe most importantly, put me in the centre. Make me the main character, supported by all these personas I brought into this world.
I don’t intend to give birth any more, but you never know how things go. All I know is that, if this happens, I will love and care for it the same way I did for Bear Hinksch and the same way I do for all the others. This time, though, I won’t make the same mistakes again. No more killings, I promise. Once was more than enough.
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