This text was written about 3 months ago, but I did not publish it then. I was extremely overwhelmed at the time. So much so that, in the following days after I wrote it, I had a massive breakdown, which prompted me to get away from everything, including the blog. I am in a much better place now, and the next entry after this one will explore that. But before discussing how I feel now, I think there is a value in this text, which is why I decided to publish it even after all the time that passed. Please be mindful of my mental state when it was written, therefore be aware that this text is very raw and might be triggering.
How did I end up back here again? This is a question I’ve been asking myself often these days. I thought I made huge progress, but somehow I am back at square one. I always heard people saying that things don’t just fall on your lap, that if you want something, you have to get off your arse and do something about it. The thing is, I did! I have done a lot about it, and somehow I still end up back in the same place. It’s beyond my control, and that’s extremely frustrating. It’s not my choice. No matter how much effort I put into it, feels like there’s an invisible arm which keeps pushing me back. I know, accountability matters, and I take ownership for the things I could have done more about, but I feel more and more like things are being forced upon me by others, and I have no choice on the matter. I have no control of my life.
The fact that we’re almost halfway through December doesn’t help either. The end of the year is always a weird time for me. It is not only the actual calendar year that is ending, but also my personal year. After all, my birthday is literally the second day of the year (I said ‘year’ too much now). You know the pressure everyone puts on evaluating what they have done this year, and what they want to achieve in the next one? Well, that’s kinda doubled for me, because I only have one chance to reflect on it and make new plans for the new era. I am not like others, who can do a reflection at the end of the year, and later (say in April or August) they do it again because it’s their birthday then. No, it’s now or never for me. No pressure, right?
It’s been tough. Because honestly, I can’t remember a time when I was happy with how my calendar and personal year ended. I don’t even mean pandemic times, because it is widely known how that affected everyone, everywhere. Post pandemic though, my years always ended badly, and I always promised myself that I would be in a much better place next time my birthday was coming around. And lo and behold, here I am again. How the fuck did I end up here again?
I want some peace, and I am not being unreasonable here. To be able to say that I have a good job, without having to worry about applications, preparations, interviews, probation and changing into something that not only I did not ask for, but I don’t want to do. I want to be in a better place with my finances and see improvements, to justify the fact that I have to bring coffee and food from home because I cannot afford to eat out. To have a solid and reliable group of friends, who will be there and support me when I’m at my worst, instead of creating unnecessary drama or making everything about themselves. I want to look back and be proud of everything I achieved, to be able to pat myself on the back and relax, breathe for a few months, before I can start planning the next steps. I want to be excited about the next chapters of my life, the unknown, the multiple avenues I can take. Instead, I have to keep trying to correct past issues which are still there, and into which I already put an enormous amount of effort.
Is this too much to ask? Isn’t this something that I deserve? I am a good person, so why do I keep being punished? It makes no sense, and it’s not fair. I have a lot of good stuff happening for me, a lot to be thankful for, and I don’t forget that. I am thankful. But there’s always a dent, a stone in the shoe, a pothole which won’t allow the drive to be smooth. And honestly, I am tired. I want this to stop, I want to get out of this place. I’ve had enough. The worst bit? I don’t know how to make it stop. I don’t know what else I can try. I feel hopeless.
So excuse me, but I will take a break from all this. I will close myself for a few days, and function at my bare minimum. I’ll wake up, eat, work, and sleep. Oh, and I’ll remember to breathe in between. When I’m back, I will be 42. There will be a new year for me, and with it, I might have some renewed hope for the future. Maybe I will make myself believe that the leading up to 43 will be different. That I will be in a different place. I probably won’t, but at least I’ll have something to keep me alive. How long I’ll be able to trick myself, this is the real question here. But we’ll cross that bridge when we come to it.
The Logical Song - Supertramp
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