Do you know when you don’t see something at first, and then suddenly you do, and from that moment on you cannot unsee it anymore? I remember an episode of a sitcom where they showed this in a very effective way: the sound of a glass breaking. It’s the perfect metaphor, if you think about it. Once it’s broken, you can try to glue it back together, but it will never go back to what it once was, no matter what carglass tells you. Entropy one, advertising zero. It’s almost philosophical, if you think about it. And reassuring. Because physics and math are both very reassuring. But I digress.
In the case of my specific glass, it was not a perfect piece beforehand. I saw cracks on it, but I chose to believe that the thing was strong enough to stay in one piece. You can call me naïve, but I prefer to see myself as a glass half full kind of person, who will always expect the best out of people. There are downsides to this approach, but I don’t want to digress again. One thing I can say is that, like entropy, you can’t fight against something’s nature. It might take a while, but things will always follow the path of least resistance. No matter how much you try to keep things organised, chaos will ensue eventually. After all, as one of my favourite quotes goes, "life is what happens whilst you’re making plans".
It’s funny to think about this, because I don’t like chaos. I don’t like drama. I am a chill person, and I chose to live my life in a very drama free way. I need consistency and certainty from the people around me, and these are qualities I search for in the people I make friends with. I need to know where I stand, and that they will be there when it’s time to have a great time, but equally when shit hits the fan. So much so that, whenever an issue arises, I have a “protocol” I devised to deal with those issues. It’s only three steps, but it’s very effective. Of course, every situation is different, because every person is different, so this is more a guide for help than a manual.
If you’ve read some other texts in this blog, I think you’ll agree that it is well established that I have a ton of insecurities. So it takes me a while to let someone in, really in, to see the real me, underneath all the layers and personas. Because it takes me a while to believe that someone will like me just for who I am in my core, not for something else added - like my job, or my body, or my husband… So every time they go deeper, every time they pass one more layer, I believe more and more that they’re ok with me, that they saw a bit more and they did not walk away. I get more and more comfortable. Needless to say, the people I call my best friends are the ones with whom I am the most comfortable, apart from Yogi. He’s unbeatable, sorry y’all.
When I have an issue with my friends, it hits right in my insecurities. I immediately default to doubt myself, thinking that I have done something wrong, that I have been a bad friend, or that I showed them something that they did not notice before, and this will be enough for them to walk away. Although I don’t think that on a conscious level, deep down inside of me there is something that tells me that I am unlovable, and it’s only a matter of time until everyone finally realises this and leaves. Fear of rejection is real here.
This is one of the reasons I hold my friends in such high regard. I know my standards, I know how fantastic someone has to be to reach this level with me. I only let the best of the best go that far. Of course, people have flaws, imperfections, and I am ok with that. But I truly believe I have the best friends in the world, because I know how great they are in what matters. Ultimately, despite my eagerness to be loved and accepted, to tame my insecurities and shush the voice that says I am not good enough, I know how damaging it can be to let just anyone in.
Back to that glass, the one I chose to ignore the cracks, and you can probably see where this is going: it broke recently. I saw a side of someone which I haven’t seen before, even though it was right in front of me for a long time. But here’s the surprising twist: The person broke the glass entirely on their own. It does not make things better, or me less sad, but we will get to that in a minute. For now, I’ll give you the general gist: someone very close to me told me that they were upset with me, and I truly believe that this is not my fault, that I didn't do anything wrong, and the person handle the situation very poorly from their side. I won’t give more details here, because this is not the kind of person I am. But it’s worth writing about it, because it was one of the few times where I didn’t hear the voice in my head telling me that this was my fault. It didn’t kick off my insecurities. I have considered that I might be having a delusional moment, but I am fairly certain that this is not the case here.
So, what happens next? Well, I could sit here and talk about how I will try to mend it, make things better, but I know myself. I know how this will cause me to retract from this friendship, close myself and bring them back to a shallower level of me. This is my mechanism of defence, because as I mentioned, I know how damaging it can be to just let anyone in. I am not saying that this person is "just anyone", but now I am feeling unsure if I know them well enough, and if I can just be my naked self in front of them without worrying about it. And until I feel safe again, they won’t be allowed in. It sucks, but that’s how I operate.
And yes, it truly sucks. Having them breaking the glass on their own does not make this any better. Knowing that this one is not on me does not make me less sad. Because, ultimately, the result is still the same, regardless of who’s to blame: I am losing a close friend. I am closing myself to someone I love and I consider family. I mean, I am not going to stop talking to this person, or remove them from my life, but I am losing the closeness. They’re being downgraded from chosen family to friend, and that is truly heart-breaking to me. It took me a while to get to the point I am now, where I have a good supporting chosen family around me. And, as I said before, I don’t let a lot of people cross this line, in the friend to family direction.
So why don’t I sit down with them, discuss this and get it sorted? Whilst this is a valid question, that option is not as easy as it sounds, for several reasons. The first one is that I know myself, and I know what I default to. Changing habits is not an easy thing to do, even when we put a lot of effort in. Secondly, this happened before. I let someone in, they showed the same behaviour, and things got really bad. When they left my life for good, it ruined me. To a point where I’d argue I still haven’t fully recovered, and I am not sure whether I ever will. Because once someone occupies a piece of my heart, that piece is theirs forever. If they leave, they take it with them. I can still live, but my life is a little bit worse. I knew that it was better for them to leave, but my life still became a bit worse. So it is really scary to think of the prospect of going through all this again.
The third reason, and probably the biggest one, is my mental state at the moment. I don’t have the mental capacity to sit down and sort this out, at least not right now, because of a bunch of other stuff going on. Doing so would get me in a worse state than the one I already am, and it already looks really grim here. I don’t know if I could handle feeling worse than I do now. But this bit is not only about me, it is about them as well: it would be unfair to them, not to give them a fair chance to mend things, because I am not able to be at my usual level of mental stability. My assessment of their side of things would not be a fair and impartial one. Ultimately, I fear that going down the path of resolution at the moment would be more damaging than good, but for me and for the friendship.
Everyone likes to win. But we don’t always take in consideration that, in order to be a winner, someone needs not to win. Some people would call that losing, but I would argue that if someone is losing, everyone is losing. Which brings us to a conundrum: it’s impossible for everyone to win. If we would stipulate that everyone is a winner, in reality nobody really is. Although, there’s a case for arguing here.
I don’t think relationships - friends, lovers, families - should be subject to competition. I don’t think there should be something like winning or losing between friends. I see personal relationships as a team effort, where we are all playing together, trying to achieve the same thing. We are not playing against each other. If I score a point, my friend also scored that point, even if they did not do it directly. Because they were there for me, they helped me score it. And my scoring would never be against them, and it would never mean that they had to lose that point for me to have it. And here is where I think the secret is: it’s not that we are all winners, so nobody really is. It’s that none of us is a winner, because there is no need to be winners or losers. At least when it comes to relationships.
if you think about it, life already has a lot of winning and losing. That is beyond our control, and in some situations it makes sense. You can’t have 100 people getting a job when there is only 1 vacancy. It wouldn’t work. But, when it comes to friendships, this is something we can control. It’s something we can do. Life is already hard enough, we should aim to soften the bits that we can soften. It would make it a bit less hard.
I remember the instances where I lost, and the instances where I won. After that initial emotion, the feeling that remains is always a sad one, even when I think about the wins. Because I also think about how someone else lost, how that might have affected them, and how that could have been avoided. Of course, that might have given them an opportunity for learning and growth, and that could have led them to be a better person? Glass half full, I know.
My point is, I don’t remember the instances where there were no winners or losers, and that is a good thing. Because I am a big believer in "no news is good news", and "if it ain’t broken, don’t try and fix it". It might sound boring, but a flat line that is always slightly above the horizon, on the positive side of the chart, is like the sound of rain and the ocean. You don’t think about it that much, but you’re glad it’s there. And you miss it when it’s gone.
The winner takes it all - Abba
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