I think about the implications

That ship has sailed, for us both. It was one simple act, for a few minutes, but it changed our story forever. Neither of us will ever be able to say that we have never done this. And that haunts me now.

When I heard what you had done, the room around me disappeared. The floor vanished, and suddenly I was floating in this empty space where things changed forever. I started shaking. I went into survival mode, and I hated you. Like I never hated anyone before, ever. Deep down inside, I wish you had never been born, that you had never come into our lives. I felt disgust for you. I did not understand these feelings then, and perhaps this is one of the reasons why things unfolded they way they did.

When we met again, I did something very wrong. I said the right things, I have strong arguments to justify why I did it, and I had the best interests of those involved at heart. But the way I acted was wrong, and suddenly I went down to the same level as you. Here I was, doing to you what I, just a few hours before, condemned you for doing to someone else. But, in my case, I was sober. Maybe not emotionally, but nevertheless I was in a state where I could have chosen to act differently.

Unlike you, I remember every single second of it, and I am sure I will never forget it. I am sure I will forever remember the look in your face, the way you reacted, the level of loudness I didn't know my voice could reach. I remember your eyes, equally defying and afraid. They say the eyes are the window into someone's soul, and I saw your soul that evening. The soul of a boy who's pretending to be a man. Your eyes are the last thing I think about before going to sleep. And they will probably haunt me for the rest of my life.

You also saw me that evening, deep into my roots, my values, my unresolved issues. You saw things that I thought I sorted out, things that live deep inside my mind and my heart. You saw me raw, the way most people who are much closer to me never did. I can hide sides of me that I don't want other to see, I can trick them, even unintentionally, into thinking that I am not something. But you have seen past my bullshit. You have also seen my soul. And I respect you for that.

I need you to know that I know what I did, and I know how wrong I was. That I regret it profoundly. And that, despite the way I acted, I still think this is not the way to treat another human being. That the hypocrisy is not lost on me. And although I will apologise to you when the time comes, that won't change things. That won't mend the thing that is now permanently broken inside me, and the thing that is permanently broken between us. I will apologise nevertheless. Maybe you will not forgive me, and I respect that. Your forgiveness is not the reason why I need to do this.  It is the right thing to do, and I owe this to you. 

I am not asking for your empathy. I don't have the right to do so. But if moving forward your status quo is restored, we will need to make our relationship work somehow. I am ready for this. Because ultimately, my relationship with you revolves around the person who chose you to be on their side. That person's happiness and wellbeing is more important than how I feel about you. If they decide to move on, my role is to be ok with you. And I will, even if it might be tough for me. Because, once again, it's the right thing to do.

Overkill - Men at Work