Skip to main content

I think about the implications

That ship has sailed, for us both. It was one simple act, for a few minutes, but it changed our story forever. Neither of us will ever be able to say that we have never done this. And that haunts me now.

When I heard what you had done, the room around me disappeared. The floor vanished, and suddenly I was floating in this empty space where things changed forever. I started shaking. I went into survival mode, and I hated you. Like I never hated anyone before, ever. Deep down inside, I wish you had never been born, that you had never come into our lives. I felt disgust for you. I did not understand these feelings then, and perhaps this is one of the reasons why things unfolded they way they did.

When we met again, I did something very wrong. I said the right things, I have strong arguments to justify why I did it, and I had the best interests of those involved at heart. But the way I acted was wrong, and suddenly I went down to the same level as you. Here I was, doing to you what I, just a few hours before, condemned you for doing to someone else. But, in my case, I was sober. Maybe not emotionally, but nevertheless I was in a state where I could have chosen to act differently.

Unlike you, I remember every single second of it, and I am sure I will never forget it. I am sure I will forever remember the look in your face, the way you reacted, the level of loudness I didn't know my voice could reach. I remember your eyes, equally defying and afraid. They say the eyes are the window into someone's soul, and I saw your soul that evening. The soul of a boy who's pretending to be a man. Your eyes are the last thing I think about before going to sleep. And they will probably haunt me for the rest of my life.

You also saw me that evening, deep into my roots, my values, my unresolved issues. You saw things that I thought I sorted out, things that live deep inside my mind and my heart. You saw me raw, the way most people who are much closer to me never did. I can hide sides of me that I don't want other to see, I can trick them, even unintentionally, into thinking that I am not something. But you have seen past my bullshit. You have also seen my soul. And I respect you for that.

I need you to know that I know what I did, and I know how wrong I was. That I regret it profoundly. And that, despite the way I acted, I still think this is not the way to treat another human being. That the hypocrisy is not lost on me. And although I will apologise to you when the time comes, that won't change things. That won't mend the thing that is now permanently broken inside me, and the thing that is permanently broken between us. I will apologise nevertheless. Maybe you will not forgive me, and I respect that. Your forgiveness is not the reason why I need to do this.  It is the right thing to do, and I owe this to you. 

I am not asking for your empathy. I don't have the right to do so. But if moving forward your status quo is restored, we will need to make our relationship work somehow. I am ready for this. Because ultimately, my relationship with you revolves around the person who chose you to be on their side. That person's happiness and wellbeing is more important than how I feel about you. If they decide to move on, my role is to be ok with you. And I will, even if it might be tough for me. Because, once again, it's the right thing to do.


Overkill - Men at Work 

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Too deep for such a simple man

This text was written about 3 months ago, but I did not publish it then. I was extremely overwhelmed at the time. So much so that, in the following days after I wrote it, I had a massive breakdown, which prompted me to get away from everything, including the blog. I am in a much better place now, and the next entry after this one will explore that. But before discussing how I feel now, I think there is a value in this text, which is why I decided to publish it even after all the time that passed. Please be mindful of my mental state when it was written, therefore be aware that this text is very raw and might be triggering. How did I end up back here again? This is a question I’ve been asking myself often these days. I thought I made huge progress, but somehow I am back at square one. I always heard people saying that things don’t just fall on your lap, that if you want something, you have to get off your arse and do something about it. The thing is, I did! I have done a lot about it, a...
Post a Comment
Read more

I figured it made sense building me a fence

Do you know when you don’t see something at first, and then suddenly you do, and from that moment on you cannot unsee it anymore? I remember an episode of a sitcom where they showed this in a very effective way: the sound of a glass breaking. It’s the perfect metaphor, if you think about it. Once it’s broken, you can try to glue it back together, but it will never go back to what it once was, no matter what carglass tells you. Entropy one, advertising zero. It’s almost philosophical, if you think about it. And reassuring. Because physics and math are both very reassuring. But I digress. In the case of my specific glass, it was not a perfect piece beforehand. I saw cracks on it, but I chose to believe that the thing was strong enough to stay in one piece. You can call me naïve, but I prefer to see myself as a glass half full kind of person, who will always expect the best out of people. There are downsides to this approach, but I don’t want to digress again. One thing I can say is that,...
Post a Comment
Read more

The bar and its rise to the heights

Bus stop at Brighton Marina. 7:50AM. Arriving with a cup of coffee in hand. The following conversation happens entirely inside the head. Oh look, the cute guy is coming! I have such a crush on him… I wonder why he gets the 7:55 only sometimes. I have to get the same bus at the same time every day, but I don’t see him often at this time. Sometimes he takes the seven instead. He must work at 8:30, like me. I would love to take the 7, so many buses come and go, and the 1X takes so long, 15 minutes apart. But the 7 takes too long for me, wouldn’t work. I’d be late. That mustache suits him so well. I wish I looked good with a mustache. Everybody looks good with a mustache, except for me. His eyes are also beautiful. I should look at him and smile, to show him that I am interested. Yes, I think that’s a good idea. But I have to be discreet and flirty at the same time, in case he’s not into guys. How can I produce that kind of smile? Well let’s try to be natural and see what happens. 7:52AM. ...
Post a Comment
Read more