Looking sideways

Anthology - Part IV: You night never believe this, but I once had a six pack. And no, I don't mean that I went to the supermarket and got myself a pack with six cans of buds - although I can imagine why someone would think that, given how I have been talking about my story of being straight. I think I some point I actually told people I like buds. Beer buds, not guy buds. How times changed... I also changed after that conversation I had with the guy who outed me in the shower. Looking back now I can pinpoint that this was the kickoff of it all, and it all came down to admitting to myself, for the first time, that I liked men. By opening up to him, I also opened up to myself. That day I was terrified, and I didn't know it then that in less than a year from that conversation, I would be an completely different person. And it all started with my body.  Over the following months, I lost a bunch of weight, I started going out, I tried drugs, went to parties and drove home drunk. I s...

Anthology - Part III: December 31st, 2002, a cabin in the woods kind of situation. A group of friends gathered with some other friends, to spend the holiday together. Amongst all the people there, the ones I knew and the ones I haven’t met before, this guy got my attention almost instantly. Basically everything I described before, jock wise, including that he was clearly into girls. Oh, and the fact that he would not miss a single opportunity to make a homophobic joke.  The clock struck midnight. 2003 was finally here. We all wished each other 'happy new year!', drank a bit more, ate a bit more, danced a bit more... Slowly, everyone started to drop out, to find their way to bed. One by one, people said goodnight, but we both stayed awake. The two of us kept chatting and drinking. Until it was just him and me. We were quite tipsy at this point, and next thing I know, he started to flirt with me. I couldn’t really believe it! But then again, in Brazil it was quite common for ...

Anthology - Part II: I grew up in a very male dominant environment, with a sexist oriented culture. People around me glorified men and masculinity, and femininity was, for them, a synonym of weakness and inferiority. Submissive mother, traditional male and female roles, remember? This was just an echo of the society my family was part of, and they played a leading role in this society. Someone who showed even a tiny bit of femininity was called gay, made fun of and discriminated against - regardless of whether they actually liked boys or not. In addition, all the gay guys I knew of were very effeminate and very out in the open about it, maybe because they had to be fierce to be able to handle living around those kinds of people. Add to that the fact that I was born in 1983, so my childhood years happened right when HIV and its complications became a thing, and that thing was heavily associated with gay men. In the midst of that colourful scenery, my femininity started to pop its head o...

Anthology - Part I: I am a sucker for romcoms. Always been. In fact, I think Bridget Jones is probably one of my favourite movies of all time, I cannot remember how many times I have watched it. And every time I watch it, despite knowing the lines by heart now, I feel like it’s the first time… I know what’s gonna happen, but I am still excited that she will get the guy in the end, despite all the twists and turns out there to make the story more interesting. Yes, it is a formula that has been done, redone and done again times fifty seven. Yet, I still root for Bridget. Because deep down inside, I see myself as Bridget , not as the prince charming du jour…  I think it all started with Muriel’s Wedding - incidentally one of the best movies ever made. For many different reasons, I saw myself in Muriel almost instantly: Growing up in the middle of nowhere in the countryside, part of a family of many siblings, with a strong father figure involved in politics and a submissive mother - wh...

We just finished hugging and I noticed that he was there, close by, probably able to see the whole thing. I don’t know if he was actually looking, but I know that it made me feel extremely uncomfortable. Which was a recurring theme that night. I had seen him previously on the street, in passing, and we ignored each other. It mustn’t have been more than 10 seconds, and it was already enough to make me uncomfortable for a few hours after. Now, in this specific evening, I had to spend a few hours in the same room as him. And that final hug at the end sealed it. We used to be really good friends, and I had a secret preference for him. I was friends with both him and his partner, but I liked him more. He was more interesting and we had more in common. As it always goes in the gay world, the 4 of us tried going down the sex route, but it wasn’t really our thing. We were better off as friends. I think his partner was ok with that, but somehow I got the feeling that this wasn’t enough for him....