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Don’t be afraid

Anthology - Part III:

December 31st, 2002, a cabin in the woods kind of situation. A group of friends gathered with some other friends, to spend the holiday together. Amongst all the people there, the ones I knew and the ones I haven’t met before, this guy got my attention almost instantly. Basically everything I described before, jock wise, including that he was clearly into girls. Oh, and the fact that he would not miss a single opportunity to make a homophobic joke. 

The clock struck midnight. 2003 was finally here. We all wished each other 'happy new year!', drank a bit more, ate a bit more, danced a bit more... Slowly, everyone started to drop out, to find their way to bed. One by one, people said goodnight, but we both stayed awake. The two of us kept chatting and drinking. Until it was just him and me. We were quite tipsy at this point, and next thing I know, he started to flirt with me. I couldn’t really believe it! But then again, in Brazil it was quite common for "straight" guys to have a hidden side of their lives where they did stuff with other guys. 

I don’t know how we got to the point where he went into the shower, still half dressed (the bottom half was still there), and insinuated that he wanted me to join and shower with him. He also insinuated that he would love me to give him a blow job. So I took a leap of faith, and by leap of faith I mean I took my shirt off and went for it. But before I could even touch him, something changed... Almost as if he suddenly woke up from a trance, the flirting stopped, his tone changed and he told me to get away. I misunderstood him, of course he wasn’t gay, he meant that he wanted a girl to suck him off, not me. Why on earth would I think it was me?

And then he asked me the question, the one I tried to avoid for all my life: “wait, are you gay?” Right there and then, maybe as a flight reflex, something clicked on me. My mind filled in the blanks, explaining what was really going on: He never really flirted with me. Look at him, and look at me. He was never interested in anything with a guy, and especially someone like me. He wanted to force my hand, so I would out myself to him. He acted like all the guys like him before, but this time in a less physical and more psychological way of bullying me. And I should have known better. I should not have let my guard down. The worst of it all? I wasn’t ready. I hadn’t even outed myself to me yet. But he put a mirror in front of my face, and made me look at me.

Yet, I opened up to him. Maybe it was the alcohol, maybe it was the feeling that I did not have anything else to lose, maybe was the surrendering that came from the realisation that he managed to see through the wall I put around myself. We had a really long talk before going to sleep. I told him that I somehow knew I liked boys, but that I didn’t want to. I told him that I tried being with girls and it didn’t give me fulfilment. That I told myself I wasn’t gay because I was desperate to believe this. And that I was terrified that he would tell everyone about it. He assured me he wouldn’t, and also showed kindness to what I was going through, telling me to pursue my truth. I don’t know if he didn’t expect to find so many layers inside someone who, up to that point, was mainly the topic of his jokes. I am not sure whether his kind approach excuses what he did, or the way he did it, but it also doesn’t bother me anymore. It was bound to happen eventually - I had to face my sexuality, and he was just in the right place, at the right time, to push me in this direction.

He ended up kissing a girl the next day, and they dated for a long time. I know they are not together anymore, but I don’t remember his name. I also don’t know what happened to him. He’s probably married, with a bunch of kids. As for my reckoning moment, you ask? Of course I did not try to pursue my truth. Face my sexuality and look at the things I tried to hide from myself for so long? Nah, that’s too much work. Instead, I decided to join the gym and get a six pack. I decided to become a jock.

Emotion - DJ Ross


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