We just finished hugging and I noticed that he was there, close by, probably able to see the whole thing. I don’t know if he was actually looking, but I know that it made me feel extremely uncomfortable. Which was a recurring theme that night. I had seen him previously on the street, in passing, and we ignored each other. It mustn’t have been more than 10 seconds, and it was already enough to make me uncomfortable for a few hours after. Now, in this specific evening, I had to spend a few hours in the same room as him. And that final hug at the end sealed it.
We used to be really good friends, and I had a secret preference for him. I was friends with both him and his partner, but I liked him more. He was more interesting and we had more in common. As it always goes in the gay world, the 4 of us tried going down the sex route, but it wasn’t really our thing. We were better off as friends. I think his partner was ok with that, but somehow I got the feeling that this wasn’t enough for him. He never said that to me directly, but he talked openly about the same thing with other friends he had. So, when I started to see him less, I just connected the dots.
There was also other stuff that brought his partner and me closer together, but I missed him. I missed the friendship we started building. I missed our chats. I missed sharing our similar experiences. I missed him. I will never know if the feeling was mutual, if he missed me too. All I can go by is my assumption that he moved on to other boys, boys who would let him fuck them. To a point where I invited him and his partner over for dinner and he just forgot about it. I felt like shit, but I understood. These things happen, and I know very well what it is like to have a bad memory. Maybe I was in denial, not wanting to see the obvious in front of me.
Then it all blew up catastrophically… He didn’t do anything, at least not directly. In fact, he was as surprised as everyone else by the abruptness of his partner’s actions. And then he left. The party was still going on, and would keep going on for a few more hours. Our friendship, on the other hand, was pretty much over - I just didn’t know it yet. I was done with his partner, I wanted that person out of my life. But I secretly wanted him to stay. I wanted him to pick me. Funny enough, I would have likely been disappointed if he did. I respect that he stood by his partner, it’s what I would have done if it was Yogi. Though I can tell you with 100% assurance that Yogi would never act like his partner did.
He vanished after that. No message, no call, no chance for me to explain what happened and how we would go from there. He was only interested in one thing: that I would blindly choose their side, no questions asked. That I would offer them both my unconditional love and support, even though they themselves did not care about Yogi and me that much anymore. In practical terms, that meant I would cease contact with the person who, in their view, was the catalyst of all this. The same person I was hugging the night when he was around. Now, ten months later, he had a chance to complete the narrative: I chose that person over him. I didn’t expect there was any chance of us being friends again, and I wouldn’t want to be friends with either of them anymore anyway. But that night I unintentionally made it clear that I chose sides, and it was not his.
The only thing is that I never chose any sides. In fact, I may have seen this catalyst person 4 or 5 times since the big drama unfolded. This person and I have a friendly relationship, and every time we meet we are nice to each other, we chat, we enjoy that moment. But we are not the kind of people who hang out on our own. We don't call each other to grab a drink or have dinner together. We are just not like that. And it’s not because of anything specific - definitely not because of the big blowout - it’s just that we never connected like that. Might happen one day, who knows? My point is, I remained neutral in the whole situation. Because this had nothing to do with me. And my relationship with this other person stayed exactly the same way as it was before, because this person never did anything to me. In addition, him and his partner never gave me an explanation or an apology for the way they both acted, or a reason for me to cut this other person entirely from my life.
Despite all that, when I saw him that night, I missed him. I missed our friendship. I missed our chats. I missed having him around. It’s a strange feeling, and one I am very well acquainted with: to miss someone, even though I don’t want them in my life anymore. To think someone is dead to me, even though they are alive and kicking. The logical bit of my brain would say that I miss the guy I knew before all that. I miss the friend I thought I had. I miss that connection, and the hopes I had for the place it would reach in my life. I miss the expectation I built about him. My heart, on the other hand, wanted me to come up to him and give him a hug, when I saw him. To celebrate that he was in fact still alive. To ssk him to go back to what it was, delete the last 10 months and start over.
For good or for bad, my mind is very pragmatic and it normally takes over, so I knew that night and I know now that this is not feasible. We can never go back to where it was. And again, I wouldn’t really want that. On the other hand, my heart is big and forgiving. So much so, that on the bus ride home, I was worried that I might have hurt him that night. Even though I wasn’t aware that he was around until after the hug, he may have thought I chose to hug this person deliberately in front of him to rub it in his face. My heart insists in telling me that, even though he hurt me, and I don’t want to be his friend, I should be worried about how that would have made him feel.
Maybe I’m still mourning his departure from my life. Or maybe he left too big of a hole in my life. Because when someone comes in and gets a piece of my heart, that piece is theirs forever. If they leave, that piece will be empty. It won’t be occupied by anyone else, ever. No matter what the mind has to say about that.
Never Enough - Loren Allred (but chosen in part because of Rebecca Ferguson)
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