It felt like a movie scene: I had just left my flat and was halfway through to the bus stop to catch the 1X to work, with a cup of coffee in my hand and some pop diva singing inside my noise cancelling earphones. The song ended, and the next song came on: GUY from Lady Gaga. Completely random and unplanned. I smirked and thought to myself that the only thing missing was my bus stop crush. And then, just a few steps ahead, he came out of the gates of his block of flats. I am pretty sure he saw me, but he didn't show any signs indicating that he did, so I gave him the benefit of doubt. We crossed path twice again before I sat down inside the bus, and then there was no doubt left: he actively chose not to acknowledge me. Which was not unexpected, since he did the same thing the whole weekend, after I asked him for his contact details. But I'm getting a bit ahead of myself. First things first: how did we get here?
A couple of weeks back I decided to walk up to him one morning and say hi, but that decision did not come out of the blue. No, it was a well thought move, based on many other things that happened before we got to that point. I'm not sure if I can pinpoint where the whole process started - maybe at my blog post about it? I do remember though that I changed gyms recently and I saw him there. Inside the locker room, in fact, and shirtless. I think it's fair - and probably mean - to say that I was disappointed. Not because of how his bare chest looked like - it looked great, btw - but because he suddenly became real. He stopped being a fantasy, someone I saw every morning with no more information, an empty canvas into which I could use whatever colour I wanted. He became mortal.
It also reminded me that he was now even closer to me, and that talking to him could be easier if I wanted to. I mean, I never really needed an excuse to come up and talk to someone - and we're gonna circle back to that shortly. But now I had the perfect setting to create that excuse... "Sorry, I need to borrow this whatever name of gym equipment." Or maybe "hey, would you mind me doing a couple of series whilst you rest? Oh, wait, I think I've seen you at the bus stop." Yes, I appreciate how pathetic - and borderline creepy - it sounds, but you wouldn't be surprised at this point, if you've been reading this blog with the my my mind works. My point is that now I could not use any excuse not to talk to him anymore. And I don't really cope well with having my hand forced to do something. But I'm also gonna circle back to that at some point, probably on a different text.
Another big milestone in this story is the day I saw a sign, something that told me without a doubt that he was queer. That gave me a boost of confidence, a safety net that at least I wouldn't be subject to homophobia for just saying hi to another guy. I was more and more willing to come up and say hi, but I still didn't know the how or the where. Enters the devil... A great friend, who possesses an incredible energy and a beautiful soul. Sidetrack: I'm pretty sure he'd prefer to be called a devil than an angel. Anyway, the devil was staying over and just being around him elevated me to a higher place. So much so that, the very next day, a few minutes after kissing said devil goodbye, I saw the crush on the bus stop and decided to walk up to him and say hi. He was very nice to me, although I might not have noticed at the time that he made no effort to stretch the conversation into a bus ride together. But I was too shaky to notice anything then.
Why was I so shaky though? That's a question which has been roaming around inside my mind ever since, and it has grown louder and louder in the recent days. This will come as a surprise to none of you, but I am not a very shy person. I can have my introvert, socially averse moments, but most of the time I'm really good at going for it, approaching someone and taking risks - well calculated ones, I have to add. But risks nevertheless. So why was I so intimidated by this guy, and why waking up to him left me in such a state?
My first, and most obvious guess, had something to do with him. Because he is attractive, because he is young, because he might not have been gay after all. But I've approached guys which are much hotter than he is, maybe not younger but y'all know how I like my daddies and granddaddies. I also had "confirmation" that he was gay a while before I made a move. No, this would not be a promising path to follow. I realised fairly quickly that the answer was not on him. In fact, it did not lie outside of me. I had to look inwards to understand this one.
And here's where I am placing my bets: calculated risks. I convinced myself, without even considering him, that I had no chance. That he would reject me. It's probably true, based on our recent interactions, but I did not know this then. I admitted defeat without bothering to play the game. And I don't really head for a heartbreak willingly. Risks, but well calculated ones.
My mind then started telling me all the consequences of chasing someone whom I already "knew" was not into me: I'll bother him, I'll offend him, I'll be creepy, I'll be a nuisance, he'll think I'm too much. Oh, if I had an euro for every time I told myself that people think I am too much... The thing is, practically every interaction between two people can equally be seen as cute or creepy, depending on how interested those people are on each other. You just went on a date with the guy and he sent you a lovely good night message. If you are interested, you'll think he's cute, he's a romantic, that guys like that are rare. If you are not interested, you'll think that's a bit much for a first date, it's creepy etc. I've never been proven wrong in this theory, but I digress.
In an nutshell, I pre-judged myself and decided that anything I would do to him would be seen in a negative light because he was not interested.Which makes sense, after all I'm usually not known for being very kind with my self-judgements. I should have given him a chance to judge me instead. I have written before, on a different blog, about being truly surprised when I find out that someone I like is actually into me. As a matter of fact, the aforementioned devil was the one I was referring to in that text. And when I said hi to crush, I was genuinely surprised that he was nice to me. My mind made me believe, prior to that, that that would not be the case. It was a pleasant surprise, one that left me shaking. But there's a bit more to this story.
I'm not sure if I am really into this guy. Yes, he's hot, even though he's not really the type of guy I go for. And yes, I have wanked thinking about him. So yes, I would like to be naked with him if it would ever come to that. Because I am a whore and I think the majority of naked times are good, even if I'm not really interested. The thing here is: I'm not sure if I would really go for it. I'm not sure of the value it would add to my life. That being said, based on what I've found out so far, there's a chance we could be friends, because we have some interests in common. But attraction, I honestly don't know. Besides, I have enough to go by for now, and for now, that's ok for me.
The thing I am really taking from this, and I am aware I said this before, is trying to stop listening to the voice inside my mind, the one that destroys my value before I have a chance of having anything evaluated. The part of my brain that tells me that I am not good enough, that I am too much, and that it's obvious that I'm being delusional when I think I have a chance of being liked by someone. I'm more and more aware of this voice, and I like to believe that I am more and more getting over it. That I'm learning how to tune it out like a white noise machine. I'm not there yet, but the plan is already in motion. I have already started following this yellow brick road. How far I'll go, where it will take me and who am I gonna meet along the way, these are unknowns. But for now, one step at a time.
I care less about the outcome of our interaction, and more about the fact that I took that step. And I am proud of myself. I'm proud of having walked to him and saying hi. I am proud of saying hi to him once again, asking him for a coffee and for his contact. I might be a nuisance, and he might not meet me halfway, ask for my contact or reply to my message. But that's not my problem. And for that reason, I should not focus on it. At the end of the day, if he's bothered, he should be the one to tell me so. And it's not for me to worry whether he can, or wants to.
And you know what? He's the one missing out. Because, despite what my mind tells me, I know for a fact that I'm a nice friend, that I am a clever person, that I am loving and caring, and that I am a great kisser. Sure, loads of people in the world are these things too, but only I'm me. Only I bring my unique combination in the world, and anyone who gets to experience it will have something added to their lives, regardless of whether they can see it, appreciate it or understand it. I know my value, despite sometimes forgetting about it. And one more guy who don't see it won't change that.
The key takeaway here is that whether he wants me in his life should be his decision, not mine. Equally, he should be the one who deals with the fallout of that decision.
Good as gone - Kylie Minogue
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