I had to explain this to many people, many times, over and over again, so I thought it would be a good idea to write about it. Put it in words, so I can refer to this if I need to explain it to someone. It might sound impersonal, but maybe I can just send this to them when they ask me to talk about why I am acting the way I am. I wouldn't forgo a real conversation with them completely, but this could be a way to build a background. For them to see what is going on in my head before we even start to chat. Because this is about me, not them. And it's fairly consistent in my life, often regardless of who triggers it.
I won't stick to the reasons for it, because I might need a whole encyclopaedia to explore everything I know about myself ther could be the used to explain these behaviours. And I'm pretty sure that what I know is just the tip of the iceberg. So no, I'm not gonna go into the whys. I will try to stick to the facts.
The first fact is that I often feel like I'm a burden to others. That is particularly prominent when I meet someone new, and almost guaranteed when that someone new is a guy. I normally feel that my presence in someone's life is a nuisance, a cause of annoyance, and the reason for someone to want me around them is that they either feel pity for me and don't have the heart to tell me, or they are currently in a state of trance, where they haven't yet realised that I'm that nuisance. In both cases, I am convinced that it is only a matter of time until they realise that there's no place for me in their lives. They will very soon wake up and tell themselves "of course I don't want to be friend with him, duh! took me long enough, what the hell was I thinking?"
It gets better the more I get to know that someone, the more I trust them and feel safe with them. Until I get to a point where I don't feel like that at all with them, because I trust them fully. In one way, this is a great feeling. I let my guard down entirely, and I don't feel afraid to be myself around them. Problem is, in the rare occasions where they do decide to step away from me, it breaks me.
Here is the next fact: I am a conservative gambler. I don't take wild risks. I only make calculated bets, because I don't like to lose. I appreciate that nobody really likes to lose, but with me this is really terrifying, and strong enough to influence my decisions. I also appreciate that smaller bets lead to smaller gains, and I am happy with this tradeoff. I am ok to earn less, if that means losing less. If that is the price I pay for it, I am happy to oblige.
Completely related to this, I have a hard time adapting to changes. I am a sucker for consistency, and knowing where things will be in a day, a week, a year or a decade from today is comforting to me to a level that might not be to others. Yes, I know that I cannot predict the future, that life is this thing happening over there whilst I am busy making plans over here, and that when I think I have all the answers, life sweeps in and changes the all the questions. I am also very aware that, when dealing with others, I have to consider their inputs as well, meaning I don't have full control of the situation, because people are unpredictable by nature. So I try my best to focus on the things I can control on myself, such as the standards I set for myself and my triage of others.
In practical terms, this all amounts to me having a tendency of being really hard on myself. I hold myself to ridiculously high standards, and I tend to blame myself for every bad turn I take in life, even when this is related to the road, the vehicle or something else outside my sphere of influence. Because when someone I know and trust decides to go away, I tell myself that it's my fault they they are leaving, and it's my fault that this is hurting me. I tell myself that I should have known better, I should not have let my guard down, I should have spotted the signs earlier and acted upon them, and ultimately, I shouldn't have let it come to this. Which makes it hard for me to let people in and trust them: I put up a very robust screening process, so I can catch every sign, every nuance, every inch of an inclination that something might go wrong, and stop it before it gets to that. Stop it before it hurts me.
Despite all that, I have a tendency of always expecting the best from people. I always expect that, given a chance, people will always default to making good choices, not bad ones. That makes me often believe in the things they tell me, even if for them it is not that serious. Something promised to me is like a contract, regardless of whether they meant it or it's stuff they said in the heat of the moment.
So it's fairly easy for me to fall into a trap where I expect too much from someone and I trust them too easily, because in my heart I don't think they would mess me about. If they tell me that they want to meet me if they ever come to Brighton, I take that seriously. If they say that they had a great time and would like to see me again, I get a confidence boost that I made a good investment. If they tell me that they think I'm handsome, interesting, or any compliment you'd like to insert here, I believe in their words, even if sometimes I don't believe in the same compliment coming from myself.
Living like that for years made me really good at "taking the hint", even when there are no hints to be taken. I exceed in proactively and preventively avoiding a crash, even in the situations where there are no credible signs that one is going to happen. My default is to expect one, so I rely heavily on confirmation bias. And overcorrection. Over the years I have been proven wrong again and again and again, but this pattern is really hard to change. Maybe that's how I'm wired. Maybe facts and pragmatism are not as strong in me as I make myself believe.
The last bit of fun fact is that, once all that happens and I explain someone that I got hurt by the situation, even if they apologise and tell me that they will try a bit harder, a part of me feels like this has now been tarnished. Next time they reach out, I will inevitably ask myself if they are doing so because they genuinely want to build something with me, or are they only feeling guilty because of what I told them. Do they want to invest in me, or do they want to look good in their own life story?
I appreciate that a lot of this has to do with me, my issues, my insecurities and my flaws. That my screening process might block someone who is genuinely trying their best, in order for me to catch who isn't. I know that my process is far from fair, both to myself and to others, and that I am probably missing out on great opportunities with great people. And I am trying to change this. I am addressing these issues and trying to be less harsh. I'm trying to consider more sides and to be willing to get hurt more. Getting hurt is part of the game, and I shouldn't be so terrified of it.
So if someone feels like I've taken a step back, I'd like them to know that this has a lot to do with me, and the things happening in my mind and my heart. That my process is contributing to this as much or even more than what they have done, and that I am working on it. I can't put a deadline for when it will be solved, and I don't even think I can guarantee that this will ever be solved. For now, I am being accountable and I am willing to change. I don't know how others will perceive these efforts, and it not my business to guess that. For me, it's a big deal. And I am currently aiming for medium.
Imperfeito - Pato Fu
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